


I'll breathe again..

by KatNorthman



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Build Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Sort of a AU, it will all work out at the end, it will get kind of dark, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-27 07:20:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8392363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatNorthman/pseuds/KatNorthman
Summary: The soul usually knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, first of all, I'll write about panic attacks and probably at some point about the whole anxiety package, so if you think it will be a trigger in any way, please don't read.Second of all, it's sort of a AU. Everything's the same except for the fact that they are 21 (except for Derek, he's like 27), Ally is alive, and she and Scott are still together, and they + isaac and lydia are going to college. And Stiles's mother has passed away 10 months ago.  
> Third, please don't judge, it will probably be boring at the beginning, but I haven't written in a long time, so be gentle on me.

It's been a while since...Well among other things, since he could breathe right.

At first he thought that were panic attacks.  
It's been three days since he lost his mom, and he haven't shed a tear. Not that he didn't wanted to, he just..He felt numb. In those three days he didn't even think of what has happend. His house was full all the time, people checking up on his dad, his friends checking up on him, making sure they're holding up. Making sure that he won't just snap.

And he didn't. Not right then, at least, and sure as hell not in front of them.

But on a forth day, while lying in his bed, watching TV show just as a distraction from his own thoughts, he felt like he’s short of breath. And he tried to take a deep breath over and over again, and he felt like he’s chocking. He started sweating and the sick feeling was in his stomach from all the confusion. It lasted just a minute, although it felt like longer, and all of a sudden, it was gone. Just like that. He took a deep breath and calmed himself, convincing himself it was just a panic attack. Nothing more, nothing less.

That same night they were gathering at Derek's loft. Apparently to go over some things, making sure there're no supernatural creatures currently in Beacon Hills. But Stiles knew it was just an excuse to get him out of the house. To make sure he doesn't fall in some kind of depression. And that was ok with him. He knew they cared and that was their way of showing it. So for him to thank them, least he could do was show up and show them that he's totally fine.

He got at Derek's place around 10. Rest of them were already there, greeting him with soft smiles as he came in. Even freaking Derek. It was pathetic.

“Hey guys, sorry I'm late, whats up? ” He said with his usual enthusiasm, usual grin on his face, like nothing has happend.

“Nothing much, we checked all of the areas, and there's nothing alarming so we think we’re good.” Scott has said. “And since we’re done with that, we ordered pizza and planned to watch a movie.”

“Oh, okay.” He was still standing near the door, keys in his hands. It all felt off, and he wasn't trippin' it. They all looked at him like he's made of glass. No one said anything about the fact he's late for two fucking hours. Nothing, not even a glare. That was too much for him, he just wanted to go back home and be alone. “Well then, I should probably go, I told dad I won’t be long and.. Yeah.. ”

He was going for the door when, again, that asshole decides to feel sorry for him.

“You could stay.. ” Derek murmured. Figuring that that's probably not enough, he added, “I mean, we don't have to watch a movie, but we sure as hell need extra mouth for pizza, cause I really don’t need any leftovers in the morning”

Stiles tries to smile but it was still off.

“By the way," Derek continues, ”they’ve ordered four."

“Wow, just.. ” Stiles says in disbelief “.. wow. You really are pack of animals.”

And with that, he makes his way to the couch.

Scott and Allison are next to him, chit chatting about their life on college, about classes and new city. And it sounds amazing, it sounds normal, but they don't wanna brag, and they feel sorry for him since he dropped it, so they just say it awful.

“It may sound cool to everyone who doesn't actually go there, but once you do, its just studying, and paying bills, not having time to make a proper meal, because all you have to do is study” Allison says.  
Scott's just nodding at her and then adding “Yeah, and then when it comes to final exams, you don't see a daylight, its the worst thing ever.” and with that he just shuts up and looks at Stile like he's apologizing.

Thank god for fast delivery, or he would’ve lost it.  
They put on a movie after all, and it's marvels and that makes Stiles's heart sink a little, cause he knows his friends love him and care about him. Even the grumpy cat.

*

He jumps at the sudden noise. His phone fell on a ground, and when he takes it to check the time it 2:30 and everyone already left. He fell asleep at Derek's. Fuck. _Fuck._

He starts to panic, his dad is probably going crazy right now, he's fucking everything up again. He's getting dizzy and he can't think straight. And once again, he's short of breath. _Fuck._

"Stiles, hey, hey! You're okay, just relax!"Derek's right by his side, one hand on his back, making circular motions. 

"I can't.. I can't breath..Properly." He's trying so hard to take one deep breath but it's just not working, and he's getting scared.

"Follow my breathing Stiles. Relax." Derek's voice is soft. "Calm down now. I texted your dad, and he said not to wake you up, you deserve some sleep. I'll drive you home in the morning."

And with one big inhale, he's good again. He's still scared, but at least he can breathe normally. He's trying to pull it together, he's not gonna cry in front of Derek Hale.

"I'm okay, thanks." Stiles moves away from him. "I'll go to the roof, for some air. I.." He doesn't know if he should even explain himself to Derek. And if yes, how could he? "..I need to clear my head. Yeah.." 

And just like that, he grabs his jacket and almost runs through the door. 

*

The moment he got to the roof, he started shaking, his hands going through his pockets, searching for his..

"Missing something?" voice behind him asks.

Great. Will he ever just leave him alone.

" _Jesus._ I said I'll be back, I need air, what's your problem?" Stiles is annoyed. "Can I have at least few minutes without all of you watching me like I'm gonna break? And what's up with you and your sudden hospitality, and caring? Like, _what the fuck dude?!_

He knows Derek means well, like all of them, but it's pathetic and it makes Stiles feel worse. He doesn't want their pity. Not Derek's.

"Sorry, _dude_. Just wanted to make sure you're okay. Oh, and.." He's pulling Stiles's cigarettes out of his pocket. "..to give you back these."

He throws them at Stiles and he catches them. He looks at Derek with embarrassment on his face, but he tries to play it cool.

Derek continues, "Since when do you smoke?"

"It's been awhile, now." Stiles answers. He's putting a cigarette between his lips and lighting it, taking deep breath. Everything's okay, he's okay. He assures himself. He notices Derek's eyes on his lips. Staring. 

"A while, as in a few days, or a month, or..?"

"As two years, Derek." 

Derek's staring in disbelief. How didn't he notice?

"But, I've never scented it on you. And why.."

And then Stiles interrupts him. "Why the fuck does it matter anyway? And I just light one from time to time.." Why is he explaining himself to Derek? "I don't care what you think really, so can you just..go or something?"

And that's when Derek notices that Stiles is not the same kid as he was. He's grown up. Life got him. Derek winces at that thought.

"I don't judge, Stiles."

Stiles is making grimaces at him, like _yeah right_.

 "I don't! It's just weird seeing you like this." 

"Why? I don't get it. Just because you didn't notice, doesn't mean I wasn't doing it before. And why do _you_ even care dude?"

Derek stays quiet. Stiles tries to relaxes again and finishes his cigarette in peace.

Derek keeps looking at the ground. Stiles can't deal with this, not now.

"Hey, um, I can go home. It's okay, I can drive myself." He's passing by Derek, when there's grip on his arm.

"No, sorry. Sleep here, it's fine. And sorry for all the questions, I .. It won't happen again." Derek says, still holding his arm. He looks like he's apologizing. 

" Okay." Stiles doesn't know what else to say. It's just _okay_.

 

*

 

When they're back at the loft, Stiles is going for the couch, but Derek just turns him toward bedroom.

"Hey, dude, I'm not gonna sleep with you" Stiles protests. Even though it's not quite true.

"Bed is more comfortable than couch, and you need good sleep." Derek says. "And it's big enough so both of us can sleep without touching."

Stiles can't really argue. He's tired and bed looks really comfy. Plus, he always imagined Derek in his bed, but that.. That was before. 

They lay down, and Derek was right, they don't even touch. 

"If you need anything, just wake me up." Derek says.

"Dude, since when are you this nice, especially to me?" 

When he doesn't answer, Stiles just adds "Thanks" and falls asleep.


	2. Black jeep that used to be blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it really has been a year since the last chapter, but I promise it won't take that long for next one. So here it is, enjoy and feel free to correct me if I made some mistakes and give me your thoughts on it

It's been a year since that night and everything is different now.  
Derek doesn't know how did it happen. He rarely even sees Stiles, and even when he does, it's not the same kid. There's no more joking around, snooping where he's not supposed to. No stupid goofy grin when he spots Derek, no more happiness that he used to carry/ There's nothing.

The Pack doesn't seem to notice. Everyone's too busy with their own lives, their own problems. Even when they see that something's wrong, they turn head on the other side, thinking it's just a phase. Of course they know it's not easy for Stiles, but he's Stiles, he just can't be unhappy. So they don't think about it, and it's easier.  
Derek, on the other hand, just doesn't know how to help, so he stays put. Maybe that's what Stiles wants at the end. Just a normal life. No werewolves, kanimas, fucking druids, no more running and fighting, not knowing if he'll get to see another day. So he's cutting everyone out. That's logical. Derek can't blame him for it. So he decides to stay away from him, even it hurts him.

One night he decides to visit a house. He's grown man, he shouldn't be afraid of it. Bad things have happened there that haunt him, but also a lot of good things did too, and he never wants to forget. And maybe there can be more good ones yet to happen.  
He sat in his camaro and drove toward the preserve. First thing he spotted was black jeep. He recognized it instantly. Black jeep that used to be blue. The saddest story of all time. Poem of Beacon Hills.  
He stepped out of the car, letting his senses in charge. There was wrong rhythm of Stiles's heart. He stank of anxiety, and lots of chemicals, probably meds, that seemed to wear off slowly. There were no other sounds, which made Derek feel both relieved and sad over that fact.  
He didn't want to disturb him, he almost turned away, but... Stiles came to his house, for who knows which time and he was in pain. So he came to one place that reminded him of time when things were good. When he was good. Just like Derek did now.  
So he stepped inside the house.  
He didn't want to scare him too much, so he just for called him while walking upstairs. There was a missing beat in Stiles's heart, so Derek knew he have heard him.  
He saw him once he got to his former room, or at least what was left of it. Standing in the middle of it, partially scared, other part in disbelief, he barely could speak without stuttering, "What are you doing here?"  
"I could ask you the same question Stiles." He wanted to hug him. To hold him in his arms and tell him that everything is going to be okay, he is going to be okay. But he couldn't.  
"Yeah, I'm the one who's not supposed to be here," he scratched the back of the head, looking embarrassed, "sorry, I'll go."  
He rushed past Derek making his way out.  
"No,Stiles wait!" he actually had to run after him. "Stiles that's not what I meant, it's okay really."  
"Wow dude, that's the most I've heard you talk. Usually it's just _Stiles shut up_ " he was still walking toward the jeep.  
"Stiles I, just.. Could you just.."  
"Dude it's cool, I wasn't supposed to be here in the first place, so I'll just go. Sorry once again."  
He was already in the car, starting up the engine, but before he could run off, Derek blurted out "Wanna grab a coffee?"  
"What? Like now?" Stiles looked at him like he was insane. He didn't care.  
"Yes, now. I couldn't sleep anyway, I suppose you neither," Stiles wanted to argue so Derek quickly continued "and I have some ideas for the house, and I really need your opinion, so...?"  
At that Stiles seemed interested. "Um, okay. But I shouldn't stay long."  
Derek smiled and nodded gratefully, "Okay. Will you give me a ride then? I thought of leaving my car here, it needs some reparations so it's low on gas."  
Stiles didn't believe a single word he said, and he shouldn't, but he collaborated. "Fine, where to then?"  
Derek felt his own heart stutter but he had to keep it cool.  
"I found this place, you're gonna love it..." he kept describing it to Stiles and giving him directions every once in a while. Okay, so he couldn't play it totally cool but Stiles smiled at him, so he doesn't care. He made Stiles smile.

 


End file.
